why don’t you try on those shoes honey, they are nice, I mean I think they would be nice on you, look good & all, & probably comfortable like Sunday afternoon watching a movie like, what’s your favorite one? you know,
um, Must Love Dogs or something right? well, maybe sleeping, you know, sleeping late…long drives in the passenger seat with, with your feet up, going to the lake hmmm…what a fantastic Italian print on that one…Chinese food, you know, you know how the leftover stuff taste better somehow,
and being curled up on the couch with a movie or bagging a buck, huge rack and all, on the first day of the season or, or relieving like that time you thought I was cheating on you cause I was staying out late & lying & you found that little bottle of perfume in my pocket & everything, but, but then it was your birthday, it was real nice,
real relieving because I had been out late getting you all those nice gifts you know and maybe these shoes, these shoes they would be comforting like that or like coffee, morning coffee with all that flavored crap you like, you know the creamers caramel latte or peppermint twist stuff,
maybe like cleaning the house or when we put Frankie Jr. to sleep, I mean that wasn’t a good thing, but he was always snarling at children & too old to see you know, falling down the stairs & everything so it was kind of, it was kind of relieving to put him out of that pain, not have to worry or clean up after him anymore, & well I mean comforting
kind of like that TV show you watch all the time, you know, “What not to Wear” where they take all the person’s ugly old clothes & the shoes that the person thinks are nice but are nasty they are just awful & they throw ‘em out, well I hope they don’t throw ‘em out maybe just give ‘em to a Sal-Val or something like, even if the clothes are ugly a homeless guy could use ‘em, but you know those crazy hosts on that show Stacy & Clinton, they fix the person up right & neat & it’s fancy & then they are made over & everything is good like a big party because, you know…new shoes.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
8 comments:
i was thinking of submitting this one to essence...yes?
the spelling errors don't add to this one. get them out of there before you submit it anywhere.
i think it could also be a bit choppier with the references and unfinished sentences. that might add to it. throw in more comfort references and make them more stuttering. what stands out the most in this one are the movie and tv references. allude to some more intangible things, things that dont seem to relate to one another. create some larger gaps between the subjects and force the reader to jump from one to the other. make certain things more specific and other things less specific (which is your choice) and compound the confusion of stuttering, jumpy speech.
run this one through a wringer a few times, flatten out the images and references, then crumple it up. i think it needs more confusion to really work like it's capable of. you're onto something nice here, you just need to push the gimmick past the point of common understanding.
clothEs
thanks, good ideas for the areas that i wasn't sure need work & whatnot, but i will give it another shot
frank from ohio drives my desire for shoes even further...thanks. and, yes, definitely essence.
i really like what steve is saying with the pop culture references; they really do stick out the most, but what would make this really strong would be "push]ing] the gimmick past the point of common understanding" (imperato 1).
what i was thinking was adding more of the couple's reference points, like the cheating story, but throw in tea bags and chrysanthemums and silver polish and that time she was sure she wasn't going to like the cauliflower caserole, but she made it anyway for her mother-and-law and it was AMAZING (because that's sometimes what new shoes are like).
hmmm, i might wholesale copy paste your comment into the section before the TV show...
wait: mine or the weird new blogger's comment? copy/paste away!
i don't know what i think about these breaks...i see what you mean about arbitrary, but they definitely do a lot of work for the piece. poor frankie jr.
the break that threw me was when you go from chinese food into watching a movie on the couch into bagging a buck. somehow, having the dead deer in there with the movie freaks me out a little, but i like the combo of the buck and the cheating.
it's incredible how long this got, too! without a single period...well done!
yeah, frankie jr. and the buck are nice additions. they both contribute to the comforting theme youre going with here. but what not to wear still doesnt mention comfort. i think that works. it turns the whole idea of comfort back to new shoes, as it was in the beginning. you have a tendency to do that, loop your poems around so the beginning matches the end, but in between you take them on an adventure. this does look better than it did before, and the breaks are more pronounced and speech-like. be careful of adding too much to this one though, i think its like right at the tipping point where if you put in another section or two, it would just be too much and the whole theme of the piece would unravel. this is good work.
and emily, fantastic job with the mla citation in your first comment. impeccable.
ps- FUCK YOU ANONYMOUS BLOGGER! peddle your wares elsewhere.
Post a Comment