There is something very
desperate in being excited
to get a text message, finding
one not there, resigning to
send it yourself, trying to
capture missing/love/carefree
at the same time in a few
thriftily arranged consonants,
then waiting for a return
message you already know won't
meet your expectations, or at
least match (in your eyes) the
same missing/love/carefree
that it is replying to.
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Committing poetry since February 2006
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3 comments:
i really like the enjambed lines 4 & 5 with the "to" hanging at the end it really makes the poem hang & suspend relating the texting tension.
missing/love/carefree is delightful.
i believe there is something missing/wrong/typo about the final line: "that is is replying to."
ah, yes, the dreaded typo. i do not care for my dad's laptop keyboard. also, it should be said that my skills with my phone keypad are just as bad. i think i key about one work per five minutes. at least that will ensure texting is never a compulsive habit, yes?
this one is delightful. it's a nice flowing, enjambed sentence.
observe my effort to produce a run-on sentence with similar virtues.
writing with deliberate run-on sentences usually has a tendency to come out looking like a rant because varying the phrases and parts of speech in a run on sentence can be difficult, as you get tempted to fall into the groove of listing different things just to extend the sentence and further your efforts to emphasize the run-on form that you've chosen, but to make the form effective, you need to consciously give the sentence its own arc, allowing it to change from beginning to end and giving it its own plot, as though it were its own story or poem.
you've achieved this arc idea very well in your poem. it starts with the prospect of recieving a text message, not recieving one, sending one instead, then recieving a disappointing response. for me, this kind of poem you've got here is the only thing in the world that validates the existence of run-on sentences. i always thought they weren't all that bad but i never really knew what they could be effectively used for.
bravo.
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