19 April 2007

an excuse

the macaroni stuck
to the red rust
black bottom
new release boilerplate
left handed, hates snow
tried to grow a moustache
& spots showed in the
stubble in the conversation
a pause, a dent, an aluminum scrape
heating away the hydrogen
perfect penne in 11-12
silent staring at the floor
at the coil of red metal
should be doing
without a timer
leftover
in the sink
two weeks later.
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2 comments:

Stephen Imperato said...

interesting poem. mostly likeable except for the repeated "in the" with stubble & conversation. repetition of benign words like that doesn't do anything for this poem. vary the language in those two lines. You've got great nouns in that phrase, now drvise some clever verbs.

19/4/07 11:47 AM
silverline said...

I use the repetition to build pacing, but by using the “benign” phraseology probably slows the poem down.
Does it work later with “silent staring at the floor
at the coil of red metal”

how about shifting the “in the”’s
to: “& spots showed static in
stubble, patches in conversation”

any better?

19/4/07 7:30 PM

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