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Committing poetry since February 2006
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Manuscripts, Love Letters, Readings, Book Signings, Birthday Parties, Et Cetera
Manuscripts, Love Letters, Readings, Book Signings, Birthday Parties, Et Cetera
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2 comments:
it seems like "and wind" doesn't fit into the poem, it bogs down the center of the piece following the nice ss sounds of aimless and trains. perhaps a line break would include wind better.
Anyway i heart trains and summer is always nice so I like the capturing of that feeling.
the alliteration here is great, and the word "wind," i think, does something to divide the line in half. put another s-word after "wind" and balance it with the "summer" that you have towards the end. its got a pleasing sound to it now, but i would make "wind" more of a central focus in there by bulking up the second half with another good s-word.
"wind" works great because it provides most of the poem's visualization and its the strongest verb that you have in there. showcasing and framing it between the s-words could bring out more of its power and vividness.
describe through action.
verbs as adjectives.
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